In memory of Liam 

Kellie Huckvale organised a Mile in Memory walk for Save a Baby Month 2008 in memory of her son Liam.

On Thursday 22 January 2004 (a year I wish I could start again!), I finally got to see my little man, hold him close to me, kiss him, look after him properly after carrying him for 40 weeks and 5 days. I had contractions for weeks before Liam was born, in and out of hospital, it seemed like I waited a lifetime to hold our perfect little boy. He was so perfect and a proper little boy too.

I have three little girls Ellie-Jo who is 4 (3/3/1999), Faye-Marie who is 3 (28/5/2000) and Sophie-Leigh who is 2 (19/12/2001). But I dreamed for so long that one day I would have a little boy. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my little girls loads and loads but I did want a boy when I found out I was pregnant with Liam.

Liam is also my first baby with Steve (my Mr Right!). Steve and I met on 14 October 2002 in a Lycos internet chat room. Steve has two children who both live with us – Ryan who is 13 and Kelly who is 12. I love Ryan and Kelly like my own but Steve and I wanted a baby together. 

He was a dream come true

The 22nd of January 2004 was one of the happiest days of my life; a very special day. I couldn’t tell anyone how happy I was to have Liam. He was a dream come true! I was in labour for about 45 minutes. Liam was passed to me as soon as he had his first cry. I gave him a big cuddle, kissed him on his head, and sat holding him just looking at his little face. I couldn’t believe he was ours, my little boy, my dreams had come true.

I had decided to breastfeed this time as I never even tried to do it with the girls but it was something I wanted to try. So, shortly after Liam was born, the midwife showed me how to get him latched on properly and he did it straight away. The midwife said I was a natural. It felt so nice to feed my baby myself, to have him so close to me, I felt I was giving him something special and they say breastfeeding your baby is better for them than formula milk.

We took Liam home at about 5pm the same day as he was born. I was so happy to get him home in his own Moses basket with his own blankets and all his family round him who loved him so much. 

A proper little lad as we say in Walsall!

Liam was so gorgeous, cute, a proper little lad as we say in Walsall. So perfect and calm, he was such a good little boy too and only cried when he was hungry or just wanted a cuddle off his mommy or daddy, we even had to check his nappy, as he wouldn’t cry if it was dirty.

I just sat and held him for hours some days; I never wanted to put him down to sleep. I remember well the day I first took him in the pushchair to Ellie-Jo’s school and it seemed like every mom and nan in the playground came to have a peep at my little man. I felt so proud to be his mommy; everybody loved him.

My mom was in hospital when Liam was born so she didn’t get to see him until he was 11 days old. I went to visit my mom a couple of days after having Liam and I felt very low and upset because I really wanted her to see him but I wouldn’t take him to the hospital. I was so scared of him catching something and it’s not the place you would want to take your newborn baby anyway. 

So I just had to wait until they discharged my mom (as they didn’t seem to be doing much to help!). My mom only got to see Liam twice. My two older brothers, Sean and Adrian, and my Nan Spencer never got to see Liam (only in photos) and I feel so guilty now. I so wanted them to see my little man; I wanted to show him off to the world. 

I just don’t understand

The midwife told us when Liam was born that he was tongue-tied. But every midwife I told who came to our house said that he may grow out of it or that he would have a small operation when he was older. My health visitor said the same but, other than Liam being tongue-tied, they told us he was fine, a healthy little boy! His weight went down to 7lb 6oz when he was three days old, at 10 days old he was 7lb 9oz and at 14 days he was 8lb 1oz. He was feeding fine and doing so well; I just don’t understand.

On Tuesday 3 February and Friday 6 February 2004 Liam didn’t stop feeding nearly all day but still went to bed around 11.30-midnight and woke up around 5am like he did every day. On 5 February I remember Liam breathing quite deeply, but it only lasted a few seconds and he was fine. It scared me but I really did think he was fine. It sounded like he was snoring but he was still awake.

It was Sunday 8 February 2004 I woke up to Liam crying for his feed at around 5am. I was really tired from a busy day on Saturday. I got up and picked Liam up telling him it was OK and that mommy was going to give him his feed. He stopped crying as I picked him up. I got onto our bed and lay down to feed him, which I did and he fed fine but I fell asleep which I did quite a few mornings with Liam next to me. 

He looked so peaceful lying next to his mommy

I woke up some time after 7.30am and realised that Steve had got up and was downstairs. I remember looking at Liam fast asleep next to me. I didn’t touch his face (which I did a lot to make sure he was OK) or move him back to his crib, as I didn’t want to disturb him. He looked so peaceful lying next to his mommy. I was still very tired so I must have fallen back to sleep again. I then woke up at around 9.15am. I opened my eyes and looked at Liam.

He wasn’t breathing, he felt cold and there was blood around his mouth and nose. I can’t see that I will ever forget the picture in my head of this time. Not a memory I want to hold on to, but I have no choice. I picked Liam up straight away and screamed for Steve. Steve came up the stairs, took one look at Liam and ran back down saying we need an ambulance. I put Liam onto his back on my bed and tried so hard to bring my baby back round. I knew deep down it was too late but I had to keep trying; I just didn’t want to believe it.

Then Steve shouted for me to go downstairs so I took Liam and sat on the floor with him in the study. Steve was telling me what to do to try and help our little boy as the person on the phone was telling him. Then the ambulance came. I had picked Liam up off the floor and was holding him in his blanket. The man came in and just took Liam off me and asked how long he had been like that. I didn’t know. All the kids were screaming and crying. Steve was crying too. I knew he also knew it was too late. I felt it inside. 

No, no Liam is fine, he will be OK

Steve went with Liam in the ambulance. I stayed with the children. I went into the front to tell Kelly that I needed to go to the hospital, that I wanted her to look after the little ones while my dad took me and that I would ask my dad to come back to the house afterwards to look after them all. I phoned my dad but couldn’t get through so I phoned my mom and asked her to phone my dad. I remember asking my mom on the phone if Liam was going to be OK and my mom saying "Oh God, I hope so!”

I ran upstairs to get dressed and when I got to my bed, I saw Liam's blood on the sheet. I dropped to the floor crying. I got back on to my feet saying to myself "No, no Liam is fine, he will be OK", repeating it to myself over and over. I got Liam some clothes and put nappies in his bag and then said to myself: “I have to hurry up because my little man will be hungry, I need to feed him.”

My mom rang back and said that my dad would pick me up soon. I went back downstairs and told all the kids to be good and that everything was going to OK, that Liam was going to be fine and that I was gong to bring him back home. It felt like I waited hours for my dad to come but it was only minutes. My dad came and we went straight to the hospital. On the way there my sister-in-law phoned me on my mobile and told me that she had phoned the kids and told them to be ready in five minutes and that they would pick them up and look after them. 

The seconds I waited felt like hours

My dad was asking what happened but I couldn’t talk. I just told him that Liam wasn’t breathing. My dad was trying to take my mind off things and was talking about all different things on the way but all I was thinking is that Liam would be hungry and I needed to be with him.

I got to the hospital and went to the reception of the A&E department. I told the lady that my little boy was brought in by ambulance. She asked for his name and told me to sit in the waiting room. The seconds I waited felt like hours and then I was taken through the A&E department by the receptionist to a doctor who took me into a very small room where Steve was sat crying. 

I knew it was too late when I woke up to see Liam looking so blue and cold but I believed that the hospital would make him better. Like any mother would, I wanted to keep positive but could feel pain inside that I could never describe. 

I didn’t believe it but I knew

I didn’t believe it when Steve said "they have done all they can". I didn’t believe it but I knew (if that makes sense). When the paediatric consultant came in and very bluntly said "Liam is dead", we both broke down in tears. No mother, or father for that matter, wants to hear those words but he could have put it in a better way if you can understand me. 

It may be their job; unfortunately I know they see this every day and, as a mother I felt for parents who lost their child, but before Sunday 8 February, the worst day of my life, I didn’t and couldn’t ever imagine what the parents of those little angels felt like.

We were taken from the hospital by one of the policemen, who came to the hospital to ask questions. I really didn’t want to leave Liam there on his own and I felt really bad about the kids at home, waiting for their little brother to come home. We walked out of the hospital holding Liam’s hand and footprints, a lock of hair and two photographs that the nurse had taken for us. 

A photographer also came to the hospital and took photos of Liam for us to keep, which we have looked at once when we received them but we both feel like we don’t want to look at them again. It’s just not Liam. I suppose in time our feelings may change as they are still pictures of our baby, but until then I have put them away. 

I felt so much pain inside and very, very empty

I felt so much pain inside and very, very empty. Liam was just two weeks, three days and two hours old – so little to be on his own. I just wanted to be with him and still do. Steve has kept me going and I’m trying hard to do the same, trying to keep strong. Our children are also keeping me here. None of us asked for this. It’s very hard; I can't possibly explain how I feel. I don’t know how I’m getting through this. I don’t know how I’m coping each day.

I will never ever forget the 8th of February 2004 and Liam is with me forever. He is still here with me every day. I just wish I could see him, hold him, smell him. I can’t see that I will ever get over this; I don’t think you can. I can’t see that things are going to get any easier. And no one can say or do anything for me that can help. I just want my baby back, my perfect little man.

Steve and I are hoping to have another baby, not to replace Liam but to complete our family. I can’t tell you how scared I am about having another baby but it's what we want and I will do it when I feel ready but Liam will never be forgotten. 

It’s been nearly two weeks since little Liam fell asleep

It’s been nearly two weeks since little Liam fell asleep and we still do not know why. The post-mortem came back inconclusive and no cause of death was found in further tests that were taken. Steve had to go to identify Liam on Friday 20 February and an inquest was opened. 

I thought that I could not cope with that day so I didn’t go with Steve. But now I wish that I had gone to see Liam. It’s hard to explain but I feel like, although I will be going to see Liam this week (on Thursday 26 February), I feel like I should have taken every opportunity to see my baby – even though it’s very hard to see him like this, if you can understand.

It's Liam’s funeral on Friday 27 February 2004 and that seems to be so final – the second worst day of my life. I’m scared. I don’t think I will cope and can’t see how anyone can. At least after this day we will have somewhere to go to see our baby.

Kellie, little angel Liam’s mommy (story finished on 23 February 2004)