In memory of Joshua 

Linda Carpenter organised a Mile in Memory walk for 2008'sSave a Baby Month campaign, in memory of her grandson Joshua.

On 19 September 2005, my eldest child Tanya went into hospital to have her labour induced as she had gone well over her due date. It was her first baby. I was so excited. She had asked me to be her birth partner, along with her fiancé Lee. I was over the moon and felt extremely honoured that Tanya and Lee wanted me to be there. 

The thought of seeing my first grandchild being born was a bit scary for me. I wasn't sure how I was going to cope with seeing my little girl going through the pain of childbirth. I knew it was going to be difficult yet the most amazing experience of my life, one I wouldn't have missed for the world. 

I loved him instantly

Joshua arrived in only three hours and was absolutely gorgeous. I loved him instantly. He was mine. He was my grandson and I was so proud of him. I couldn't wait to show him off! I took photos, lots of photos, from every angle, every expression. Later they named me sparkly nanny because I flashed my camera at every available opportunity. They also called me crazy lady (I don't know why!).

On 14 February 2006, my husband Paul, Tanya, Lee and I decided to go out for a Valentine’s meal together. We were only out for an hour and a half because Tanya and Lee didn't like to go out and leave Joshua for long. He stayed at home with his great nanny and his uncles (my three boys).

When we got back Lee went home as he was working the following day. Tanya intended to leave Joshua with me the next day, as she had done all week. She was decorating their new flat over the road from my house, ready for them to move into the following week, so they both were going to stay the night. 

That is the moment that our world fell apart

At ten o'clock Tanya went up to get Joshua from his travel cot as he was due for his last feed. He was lovely at that time of night – all smiles.

That is the moment that our world fell apart. I can still hear Tanya screaming now. "Mum, my baby is dead. Help me. My baby is dead!" Then it was sheer panic. I remember seeing her holding Joshua at the top of the stairs and I knew it was true. Her face, the terror on her face said it all.

My seven-year-old son was woken with the screaming. He was hysterical. All I can remember is screaming! My mum was frantically trying to call an ambulance. That seemed to take forever. Why were they not answering the phone? Paul was trying to get through to 999. Eventually they got through. 

She was looking at me with pleading eyes

Tanya had collapsed on the floor by now, screaming that her baby was dead. She was looking at me with pleading eyes like I should do something. After all, that's what mums do, isn't it? They make it all better. Except this time it wasn't going to happen. I didn't know what to do. I felt useless. I started mouth-to-mouth, trying to follow the instructions I was being given over the phone.

The woman on the other end told us to try to stay calm, and to just concentrate on trying to breathe for Joshua. It wasn't working. He was just lifeless. It went on for what seemed like forever, until the ambulance men arrived. They took over and I stood back. 

In an instant, everything changed, forever

I can remember thinking that this is not real. It must be a nightmare. I will wake up in a minute. This can't really be happening. Everyone was so happy five minutes ago and, in an instant, everything just changed, forever. Nothing would ever be the same.

We then followed the paramedics who were carrying Joshua’s little body into the ambulance and rushed to A&E. They were trying to revive Joshua all the way.

On arriving at the hospital, Joshua was rushed off and I recall being taken into a small room with Tanya. After a short while Tanya was told that they should stop trying to revive Joshua. They needed her permission to stop. I remember thinking that this only happens on the telly. Surely this can't be happening to us! 

My beautiful grandson had gone

We were taken in to see him – my grandson. He was just lying there, with all these machines all around him. He was still. He was gone. My beautiful grandson had gone...

That's around the time when the police arrived at home. They needed to talk to my mum, to see where Joshua had died, to collect his bedclothes, to check that there was nothing suspicious – all apparently commonplace when a baby dies suddenly.

Oh my god. How were we going to tell Lee that his son had died? The perfectly healthy little boy that he had left at our house an hour ago was now dead! 

How do you tell someone that?

Lee arrived at the hospital knowing nothing except he had to get there quickly. After all, no one could tell him over the phone that his son had died. How do you tell someone that? He was devastated, in disbelief, his life shattered and in pieces. Then the family started to arrive, everyone in total disbelief that we had to say goodbye. 

We left the hospital and drove home in silence, clutching the locks of hair that we had been given at the hospital. That's all we had. Everything else had gone! I remember getting home and sitting on the sofa in silence, in shock. All I wanted to do was hold my little girl and squeeze her tight, to make everything all right, but I couldn't. Everything wasn't going to be all right this time. All she wanted to do was hold her baby. She didn’t want anybody else.

The days and weeks that followed were a bit of a blur. We went through the motions – my eldest son’s birthday three days later …Joshua's baptism … somehow, the funeral, the grief, trying to cope with life. 

Childbirth was nothing compared to the pain I had to watch her endure

I found it really hard to see my child in so much pain. Childbirth was nothing compared to the pain I had to watch her endure since Joshua had died. I would have done anything to have taken the pain away, as any parent would.

Something I find hard to deal with is the feeling that I have lost my own son. I am grieving like he was mine. Well, he was, he was my grandson. Then I feel guilty because if I feel like this, then what on earth are my daughter and Lee feeling like? After all, he was their baby. I have to be strong for them but it seems like they are strong for me! Is that right?

Since Joshua's death, thanks to the CONI scheme, Tanya has produced another gorgeous little boy, Louie, whom I adore and a recent scan has confirmed that she is expecting her first little girl in August. We are all thrilled. My eldest son and his girlfriend have a beautiful little girl. I am very proud of them all. 

I get comfort from his pictures... it’s all we have now

Joshua's picture sits on my lounge wall, in pride of place, larger than life, and is a constant reminder of exactly how precious he was. I get comfort from his pictures and am glad that I took so many pictures of him. It’s all we have now.

I hope one day that I will overcome my fear of this happening again, so that my grandchildren will be able to pack their bags and come to stay with nanny and granddaddy again. For now though, I feel as if I have been robbed.

I decided to walk a mile in memory of Joshua to do something special for my grandson and, since mentioning it to friends and family, I've had nearly 80 people wanting to do the same, and raise much-needed funds for FSID, so that one day, we may be able to save other families the heartache that we have had to face.

Linda Carpenter, in memory of Joshua