In memory of Curtis 

Lucy Haines organised a Mile in Memory walk for the 2008 Save a Baby Month in memory of her son Curtis.

I was 18 years old when I found myself pregnant with my second child. I was so excited. I knew at my 20-week scan that I was having a healthy baby boy. My partner Robert and I couldn’t wait, and eventually I gave birth to Curtis 5lb 60z on 5 November 2005.

I couldn’t wait to get home and be a happy family of four. But our happiness was short-lived as, on 23 February 2006, Robert woke up to find Curtis face down on the settee. We had left him on the settee to sleep as he never settled in his crib. We just wanted him to be comfortable.

By now I was screaming frantically, calling 999 and relaying what the operator was saying to Robert so he could try and save our young baby’s life. The paramedics arrived and took our lifeless son to the hospital. We followed in an ambulance car with our two-year-old daughter Shannon. 

The whole world just felt like it was passing us by

The whole world just felt like it was passing us by. The next thing I remember was the doctor telling me that Curtis was gone. Life has never been the same since. The police were insensitive and made us feel like criminals. Coming home from the hospital without our three-month-old baby was heartbreaking. We just sat, lost, wanting to get our son back.

Then we had to explain to Shannon where her baby brother was. We told her Curtis was so poorly that he had to go and live with the angels in the sky. Then innocently one day at nursery someone called her an angel and she instantly thought she was going to die.

Shannon is four years old now and still has what she calls “bad days”. She cries for Curtis and asks why we didn’t just give him Calpol. Explaining why isn't that easy. My relationship with Robert quickly went downhill, and we parted for about thee months. Robert wasn’t able to cope with grief or talk about Curtis. 

I wasn’t ready to be a mum again

When Curtis died, I was six weeks pregnant with our third child, another boy, which was so hard. As soon as Charlie was born, I could see Curtis in his eyes. I cried throughout my labour that I wasn’t ready to be a mum again.

Two hours after Charlie was born, we had a call from the coroner to say that Curtis’s body had been released for the funeral. After a seven-month wait they finally decided he died from accidental suffocation. This shattered us into thousands of tiny pieces but we had each other and two children so Robert took charge and organised the funeral – a tiny white coffin with lots of Thomas and Noddy balloons, just like a little boy would have wanted.

Charlie and our fourth child, Paris, were both immediately put on the Care of the Next Infant (CONI) scheme and we also had resuscitation training. We are very grateful for that service. 

One thing’s for sure, we never take our children for granted

Bonding with Charlie has been the most difficult thing ever. It’s hard to have one son when you know you should have two. But, one thing’s for sure, we never take our children for granted.

Throughout the funeral service it was a relief that everything was coming to an end. I said a few words and then we said our final goodbyes.

My partner and I still struggle, even after two years. We have three other beautiful children. They don’t replace Curtis but they make every day worth getting up for.

We are trying our hardest to save for a headstone as they’re so expensive and we have a vase up at the cemetery which has pictures of Curtis on it. It has been stolen twice so we have had so much more grief to deal with. 

We all have a missing piece in our hearts

Every special occasion we let off a balloon in Curtis’s memory. Curtis was a happy, chunky baby who is sadly missed and we all have a missing piece in our hearts. We will never be fully over losing Curtis but we have to live on and keep his memory alive. That’s why we’re so involved with FSID and raise money whenever and however we can.

My partner and I are getting married in September. We’re going to miss our pageboy Curtis so much, but I hope he will be watching down on his brother and sister.

Rest in peace Curtis xxxx

Lucy Haines, in memory of Curtis