In memory of Sasha 

Rachel Caunce organised a Mile in Memory walk during Save a Baby Month 2008 in memory of her daughter Sasha.

Sasha Mary Caunce was born on Monday 30 March 2007 at 10.45am and she was beautiful. She had two older sisters, Millie who was 9 and Ellie who was 4, and me, mummy Rachel, and my husband, Daniel. 

It was hard work being a mum to three little girls and the mornings were bedlam having to get ready to go to school but you get into a routine. 

She had the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen

Sasha was really beautiful she had the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen. I used to say that she had been here before; she used to follow you around the room not moving her head; just her eyes. It really was amazing.

Sasha had reflux so was really hard to feed. She was in a lot of pain with it but, after seeing loads of doctors, they all said it was colic. But I knew it wasn't. They give her baby Gaviscon which helped a little, but I think it helped her when I held her over my arm so she was looking at the floor. She would always stop crying when I did that.

When the girls used to hold her she looked so big. She loved the girls. She would really laugh at them. Millie was like a little mum to her but they both loved her. She thought it was really funny when Millie used to sing her High School Musical songs. She would really laugh; we all would. 

Cot death never happens to you, does it?

We put Sasha in her own room at three months. I didn't have a clue that you’re meant to keep them with you, but cot death never happens to you, does it? She was a rough sleeper and settled much better in there.

We were arranging her Christening for Sunday 23 July and having a party in the garden with a barbeque and bouncy castle for the children. She was wearing the same dress as the girls. She looked beautiful in it, but she looked beautiful all the time.

It was the Sunday before and a really nice day so Daniel was getting the garden ready and I went for a walk with Sasha. I also had to go and get some new school shoes for Ellie so we went to Mothercare World. We got back at 5ish and Daniel and I were playing with Sasha. 

It was like she knew it was her last day and she wanted it to be the best

She would love having her nappy off, kicking her legs which she loved having tickled. We both said she was in a brilliant mood that day. I don't think she cried once that day. It was like she knew it was her last and she wanted it to be the best.

Sasha always had her bath at 6.30pm and she loved her bedtime bottle. It made her drunk and would knock her out. I would then tell her I loved her and put her to bed with her dummy and comfort blanket, but she would always wake up again. She had slept through a couple of times but not every night. 

That was the last time I heard my baby girl

We went to bed early that night, but she woke a few times. I last heard her at 12ish. She made a noise that woke me. I sat up and it went silent so I thought she had gone back to sleep. That was the last time I heard my baby girl wake up.

I woke up at 8am and everyone was still asleep so I got up and came downstairs to make Sasha's milk. Then I heard the girls get up and I thought it was strange that Sasha hadn't woken up and started crying for her milk.

I knew when I got to the bottom of the stairs that she was dead. I had such a strange feeling, I can't explain. I went into her room and the covers were over her head and her little hand was sticking out. It was very, very pale. 

I must have been screaming but I didn't hear myself

I must have been screaming but I didn't hear myself. The girls were standing next to me screaming as well. Daniel had left for work at 6am and never went into the girls because it would wake them up.

I ran for the phone and dialed 999. The operator kept telling me to lift her out the cot and put her on the floor but I couldn't. I knew she was dead and not coming back and I didn't want to feel her like that – cold. I wanted to remember her warm and cuddly. I knew my little pud had gone.

The paramedics were really quick and they were really good. They even came to her funeral. I remember sitting on the stairs with the girls and the paramedic telling me she was dead. It was awful. My life totally changed that day. 

There’s got to be an answer somewhere

The next thing I knew I was sitting in hospital waiting for Daniel. The girls had gone to a friend’s. I wasn't capable of looking after them. It’s horrible, sitting there waiting for the CID and the coroner.

You’re not allowed home because they’re taking evidence away and all the time you’ve lost a baby. It’s not right at all. I understand why they do it, but it's not nice.

I remember thinking: how can you put a healthy baby to bed and they are gone the next day? It's not right. There’s got to be an answer somewhere. 

I've never felt so alone in my life

Nobody should ever have to bury their child. Planning a baby’s funeral – well, words can't say how you feel. All I can say is that the house was full of people every day – our friends and family. They were a great help but I've never felt so alone in my life. I don't think my pain will ever go away but you learn to live with it.

We have had counseling at Alder Hey with John and Pauline and it has helped a lot. Millie couldn’t cope at first but she has come on so well. I'm really proud of them but I'm still going now.

I knew I had to do something to help with cot death so finding FSID on the internet has helped and reading other people’s stories makes you feel you’re not alone. On 17 May, my family and I are walking a mile for Sasha and to help raise money. You never think that cot death will happen to you but it can, so the more people who know about it, the better. 

We miss our little pud

I can tell you anything about cot death now but nothing before and it shouldn't be like that. But were coping alright at the moment but you never know what the next day will bring. 

We miss our little pud so much and always will. She will live on in my heart forever. God bless you pud, mummy loves you. xxxxxx

Rachel Caunce, in memory of Sasha