A quarter to four on Christmas day 

 "Sam was born on 26 August 1987 at 11.20pm. He was our first baby, and both our parents' first grandchild.

At the same time as Sam was born, I was offered a new job which gave us a better salary, company car and the opportunity to move back to our home town, to be near our family in Clacton. We moved back on 18 December.

Our own little family

On Christmas Day the three of us visited the parents so Sam could open up presents and, despite offers from them to stay for Christmas lunch, we decided to go back to our flat and be our own little family.

Back home we cooked lunch and fed Sam a pureed version. Sam was then put in his pram about 25 feet from us at 3pm. We sat down and ate and watched East Enders.

Alison got up at 3.45pm to take the plates to the kitchen and check on Sam. She found him lifeless and blue. He had been lying on his front covered by a duvet: all the things we now know we shouldn’t have done.

I hadn't put any shoes on

We grabbed him and ran down to the car. We couldn’t phone anyone, as the telephone hadn’t been connected. Alison drove whilst I frantically tried to remember from the posters on the walls of Orsett hospital where Sam was born how to give mouth-to-mouth.

Although it was cold and wet, and I hadn’t put any shoes on, as I went into the hospital I can remember protecting Sam’s head in case I fell on the shiny floor.

At Clacton hospital they took Sam and put him on a respiratory unit. They also fed us with cups of tea and contacted our family. The duty doctor came into us after 20 minutes and told us that Sam was dead.

I only wanted my own dad

The three nurses who were in the middle of their Christmas party came over to cuddle us, but I only wanted to be with my dad, who I wasn’t particularly close to at the time (but am now,) and Ali wanted to be with her mum.

The police interviewed us straight away while still at the hospital. He was an older policeman, who kept his coat on to keep his uniform covered up. He was very considerate to us and understood our grief.

He couldn't cope with seeing us

That was the only contact from the police and we later found out that there were only two policemen on duty and the other wouldn’t come because he was the father of our best friend, and he knew he couldn’t cope with seeing us.

Our health visitor eventually managed to get a contact for us and Anne Marie became our Befriender. She helped Alison a lot, but I felt closed in by these women, and only understood what was going on when we finally went to our first meeting with the FSID Colchester group.

Sam was buried with his blue dog

Sam’s funeral was on 7 January 1988, two weeks after he died. The sun was shining, but it was bitterly cold. The funeral was held at the church where we had been married. We didn’t realise we had so many friends as it was packed. Sam was buried with the blue dog we had bought him and we tried to get back to normal.

Ali fell pregnant after three months and the baby was due on New Year’s Day in 1989. We didn’t want him arriving on Christmas Day 1988 a year after Sam died so Ali was induced and Luke was born on 22 December 1988.

On Christmas Day I took our new son to meet Sam

On Christmas Day, Ali stayed at home, and I took Luke to the cemetery to meet Sam.

We now have Luke, Jake and Kris. We have been actively involved in FSID, both becoming chairperson of the Colchester group, before it closed. Ali and her mum went trekking in Jordan in 1999 and Ali now gives talks to schools and colleges.

A quarter to four

Christmas Day is never going to be the same, always special to remember Sam, but for the sake of our boys we make it as good as we can. Whatever we are doing on that day, we both stop and look at the clock at a quarter to four, the time we found Sam.

It is now 20 years since Sam died, and we have three great boys but we still ask ourselves: "Why did it happen to us?”

Steve & Alison, Sam’s parents